There are few phrases that trigger a faster stress response than “Can I give you some feedback?”

Even when it’s offered with good intentions, most of us brace ourselves. In seconds, your brain has already run the checklist: What did I do wrong? Am I in trouble? Is this going to be awkward?

And if you’ve ever been on the other side. The one giving feedback. It’s often just as uncomfortable. You rehearse the words, soften the message, rewrite it in your head, and end up speaking so gently that the other person leaves with no idea what you meant.

For something meant to bring clarity, feedback can be remarkably good at creating confusion.

The Feedback Sandwich Has Gone Stale

For decades, many of us were taught to package feedback in a neat little formula: start with something positive, deliver the critique, and close with another compliment.

It was well-intentioned — an attempt to make something uncomfortable more palatable — but it rarely works. People are sharper than that. They can sense the “but” before you say it, and once they do, everything else fades into background noise.

If we’re honest, the feedback sandwich was never about clarity; it was about comfort. It allowed us to avoid the awkwardness of honesty by layering it in niceties. The result? A message that feels diluted, confusing, and sometimes even insincere.

Why We Avoid Feedback

For all our talk about open communication, most workplaces still tiptoe around feedback. 

We tell ourselves we’re protecting relationships or avoiding conflict but what we’re really protecting is our own comfort. 

The cost of our own comfort is high. 

When we sidestep feedback, small issues quietly turn into big ones. Misunderstandings harden into assumptions. Leaders walk on eggshells. Teams start guessing what “good” looks like. And slowly, trust, that fragile currency of collaboration, begins to erode.

Avoiding feedback doesn’t preserve harmony; it prevents growth.

Without regular, honest conversations, people stop learning. They operate on partial information. Decisions slow down, accountability fades, and culture becomes cautious instead of confident.

It’s not noise that kills performance. It’s the quiet.

The SBI Model: Keeping Feedback Grounded

When feedback goes wrong, it’s often because it’s vague or emotional. The SBI Model, created by the Center for Creative Leadership, helps you avoid both.

SBI stands for Situation, Behaviour, Impact. It keeps the conversation grounded in observable facts and the real-world effect.

It might sound like this:

“In yesterday’s client meeting (Situation), you interrupted Sam several times while she was presenting (Behaviour). It made it hard for her to finish her points, and I think it affected how the client perceived our team dynamic (Impact).”

No judgment. No assumptions. Just clarity.

The beauty of SBI is that it creates space for reflection rather than reaction. It helps both people see the same moment more clearly and once clarity exists, change becomes possible.

The Predictive Index Twist: Proceed With Caution

Even with structure, feedback still depends on how it’s received. What feels constructive to one person can feel confronting to another. The same behavioural drives that fuel our success can also shape our sensitivities.

That’s where tools like The Predictive Index (PI) come in.

• High Dominance: Values control — avoid taking control and micromanaging them. 
• High Extraversion: Thrives on connection — cold delivery can feel like rejection.
• High Patience: Values stability — rushed feedback feels like confrontation.
• High Formality: Loves precision — general feedback feels careless.

Understanding these patterns doesn’t mean you water things down; it means you deliver truth in a way that can be heard. Feedback becomes more than a message  it becomes a bridge.

When you combine the specificity of SBI with the insight of PI, you move from telling someone what went wrong to helping them understand how to improve and in a way that fits who they are.

People Don’t Need Softer Feedback, They Need Better Feedback

The goal isn’t to make feedback easier; it’s to make it effective.

When it’s specific (SBI), informed by understanding (PI), and delivered with intent, feedback drives performance rather than defensiveness.

So next time you feel the urge to say, “Can I give you some feedback?” try something more open:

“Can I share something I noticed that might help next time?”

It’s a subtle shift, but it changes the entire tone. It moves the moment from judgment to growth, from tension to trust.

Conversations with Confidence and What’s Next

If you’ve joined us for Conversations with Confidence, you’ll know this is one of our favourite topics. When leaders move beyond formality (or avoidance) and start having genuine, two-way conversations, everything else, trust, engagement, performance follows.

We’ve been asking ourselves what would happen if we focused entirely on feedback.

👉 Coming soon: Feedback with Confidence: a practical, evidence-based course inside the Red Wolf Academy, designed to help leaders master the art and science of feedback that truly lands.

Would you be interested if we built this?
We’d love to hear from you. 

Final Reflection

Feedback is not an isolated skill. It’s a culture.

And like any culture, it’s built one conversation at a time. Leaders who make feedback part of everyday dialogue don’t just correct behaviour. They shape environments where people can think, grow, and perform without fear.

So, perhaps it’s time to retire the sandwich.
Start the conversation instead.
Because feedback isn’t about pointing out flaws. It’s about helping people see what’s possible next.